Woke up at nearly noon time. Too much wine.
Been in a funk lately--in part brought on by being unstaffed for just over a week now. I keep telling myself to just report to work even if I have nothing to do to save me from the perils of isolation, idle time and my imagination. Easier said than done, though. Especially with eztv and a 42-inch TV.
I dreamed about him the other night and woke up with the insatiable urge to call him. It's been over 2 months since I swore him off Whatsapp and every other virtual connection, and I just ended up missing him all the more. Although I would pat myself on the back for maintaining the discipline to not peek at his Instagram or check whether he still follows me on Twitter. And I do know that this I-only-miss-him-more narrative is a necessary phase. But it doesn't help that I'm home all day with nothing to do.
I had just realised yesterday that I had not cried a good cry for this messy break-up. This same person who bawls his eyes out on Oscar acceptance speeches and at the first notes of a Broadway musical's overture has not had a moment--a purging, so to speak. Perhaps that's why I couldn't move forward emotionally. And though I have been open to dating, I still whisper his name when ghosts stir me from sleep at an unearthly hour.
And between thoughts of him and bouts of ennui, I also consider my job. It's pretty much everything I had expected, so sure, no surprises there. And it's only been 7 months, so a fair assessment still couldn't be made. But maybe because of attribution errors and residual emotions, I end up feeling listless to the point of wanting a major shake-up. Then I resort to my go-to: musical theatre videos on YouTube.
And there I stumble on a good cry: the kids in Matilda singing "When I Grow Up."
Flying through the air in swings, these kids mirror--in actions, voice and words--the very thoughts I had: "And when I grow up/ I will be smart enough to answer all/ The questions that you need to know the answers to/ before you're grown up."
And with my 29th birthday inching closer, I realise that I'm not.
And now it's half past six. I need to be preparing dinner soon if I want to be on time for my late night TV habits.
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First of all, welcome back to Blogspot!
ReplyDeleteWith the "recurring themes", I wish you find the strength to get over what you need to get over.
As for a major shake-up... I think we just happen to be terribly restless people, in that terribly restless age, where hunger for experience is high and milestones are not many.